Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

oh shit

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

When I pack too much for a short trip.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.

Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude