Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.

Mario: you’re a dinosaur.

Yoshi: ok.

Mario: you can jump really high.

Yoshi: nice.

Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.

Yoshi: makes sense.

Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.

Yoshi: wait-what?

Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

😏😏😏

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

the prophecy has been fulfilled