Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

They’re really bad with fonts.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!