Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

This is a true ally.