Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

S O O N

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on