Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch

Exec: oh boy here we go

Tim Burton: it’s a love story

Exec: go on

Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town

Exec: sounds pretty cute actually

Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands

Exec: there it is

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.