[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt