[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
#Caturday
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins