[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head