After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You Might Also Like
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
they really do be looking like this
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Nothing to do, you say?
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.