After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me