After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
these two trucks have the same bed length
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*