After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead