After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
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When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Hang in there buddy
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?