After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight