After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles