After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
concern
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.