Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.