After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
At ease
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Food gives you energy to nap more.
making my dog give me my pills
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.