After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”