After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
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Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I beg you to euthanise me
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.