After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
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[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
But I really needed water water water
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.