Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

We get it, Aaron. You like vowels

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee