After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
You Might Also Like
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Probably my best painting.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
I’m ready to try another planet.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
