Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

I’m not proud

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure