“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
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*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.