“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Art by Pastelkatto
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100