after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
