Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

ㅤ

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.