Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Doormats are a gateway rug.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.