After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 馃槅
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ME: I鈥檓 so nervous. It鈥檚 my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
if I鈥檓 ever found dead in the woods, it鈥檚 probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it鈥檚 not 19 & 9 馃槖
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
So I go to McDonalds & I鈥檓 ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I鈥檓 taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who鈥檚 always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I鈥檒l put it in the fridge. They can鈥檛 find anything in there.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.