After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
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[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Did my cat write this
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.