After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
$3 #books
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids