After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
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my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa