Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

The police never think its as funny as you do.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Me trying to reach for my goals