[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out