Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.