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Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
@djdarrellripley: Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I'm on the pill.
@JermHimselfish: I don't understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
@CatherineLMK: Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.
@WetzelGeek: Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering "...it would be so easy..."
@CantWaitToNap: The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.