[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen