@ObscureGent

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

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@danjan13

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

@bourgeoisalien

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

@BatBatshitcrazy

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@aissalanis

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@mstluvstrinkets

The look on my husbands face while watching a Victoria’s Secret commercial tells me exactly where all my catalogs went.

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@blade_funner

Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp

Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.