Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
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Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
found a horse’s reddit account
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
