Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA