Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

in 3 months

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”