Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?

My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.