Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.