Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The symmetry is uncanny.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I don’t bring my relationship to the social media. I keep it a secret. Even the person I’m dating doesn’t know about my relationship
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD