Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
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My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
He-man has a Masters degree
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow