Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY