Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
…u ok Nintendo?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!