Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.