age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..