age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*