age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Looking at you, Jesus.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.