Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.