Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Me: You take my breath away.

Pollen: lol

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.