Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

⛄️

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Yeah. This was me today.