Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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That stupid look on my face, is my face
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me