Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
12. I think about this all the damn time
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?