Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Dear Lord..
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace