Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My dog learned how to text
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.