I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Running your mouth is not cardio.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Can’t stop laughing
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.