Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

looks legit

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.