Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Stop

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.