Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
The USS B port
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Always the vampires
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.