Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.