Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMAO

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.