age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”