age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.