age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I cannot call her anything else now
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
💻🤡
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Who says great literature is dead?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.