Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I think the cat got the dog high.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.