Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Perfect

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

*puts words between two asterisks*